If I Had Liveblogged The GW Inaugural Ball

So, I went to the GW Inaugural Ball last night, and because I’m one of these hip, young, crazy cats who doesn’t have a smartphone, I wasn’t able to liveblog it.  But if I had, it would look something like this:

6:18 PM: Wait, I gotta wear a suit to this thing?

6:23 PM: WHY WON’T THIS SHIRT IRON???

6:47 PM: Just passed several men wearing bowties and what seem to be tuxedos.  This thing seems pretty legit.  Hope my suit and tie will suffice.

6:55 PM: Feeling wary about wearing this tie.  Sitting here while Mohan and Leah are getting ready in Johee’s room.  Mohan’s got this makeshift tux with a bowtie, cuff links, and these shiny gold things you attach to your shirt buttons.  I didn’t even know they made those.  There’s this thing that you put on your waist that looks like a back brace, but is a classy way of looking fancy and hiding your belt.  Note to self: learn about fancy things.  Youtubing “How to tie a bowtie.”  Learning new things every day.

7:00 PM: Just learned you’re not supposed to wear boxers with a suit.  Need to buy new underwear.

7:16 PM: Guess Mohan’s got a clip-on bowtie.  Crisis averted.

7:18 PM: Johee just took a shot all by herself.  Not really into heavy drinking on a Monday night.  Guess some Asians can take their liquor better than others.

7:55 PM: Sprinted to catch a shuttle, passing a large group of people.  We got to the shuttle only to find it was full, and the huge group of people we just passed were now all in line for the next one.  We fail at life.

8:12 PM: Mohan just found a tie in his pocket.  #ExtraDressClothes

8:33 PM: Egg rolls, chicken skewers, veggie dumplings, and pork buns.  Mmmmmm.

8:34 PM: Two couples just started ballroom dancing on the dance floor.  Everyone is awestruck.  Wow.

8:44 PM: There’s now a large line for the food.  Tragedy has struck.

8:59 PM: These old folks sure know how to get down.  Pretty sure I just witnessed an 80-year-old man singing the lyrics to “Dynamite,” by Taio Cruz.

9:12 PM: Maybe I’m finally getting the hang of this Cupid Shuffle thing.  If I understand correctly, move right, move left, kick a bit, then turn to the left.  I am a master now.

9:32 PM: Cell phone reception is spotty/nonexistent.  Where are you Alex Loo and Ilana Stein?!?!?

10:17 PM: Some guy thought Mohan was hitting on his boyfriend when he motioned for me to come on to the dance floor.  Fight ensues.  Just kidding, Mohan would’ve wiped the floor with that guy, no contest.  Instead, awkward laughter fills the silence.

10:34 PM: Just tried swing dancing.  Feet can’t move fast enough.

11:14 PM: There is definitely a couple having sex on the dance floor.  The girl keeps falling over onto us though.  Severe humping happening over here.  Stay classy, GW.

11:17 PM: Why is everyone here drunk except for me?  Maybe because drinks are $9 each.  Next time, I bring a flask.

11:22 PM: #OverheardAtTheBall "This is the weirdest Bat Mitzvah ever."

11:25 PM: Lost Leah.  Have been searching for about 10 minutes now.  Gave up.  Down a friend for the time being.  Cell reception still nonexistent.

11:33 PM: Leah returns.  Good thing we stayed in the same spot for 20 minutes.

11:50 PM: Strange man approaches us and asks us where we are all from.  The smell of liquor is strong with this one, so we decide it’s time to leave.  Also, we burned a hole in a plastic cup with the table candles.

12:24 PM: Got our coats, went outside, and it is absolutely FREEZING.  The lines for the shuttles look long, and we decide to wait it out inside.

12:30 PM: Found a machine that lets you print instagrammed photos for free.  Time to take pictures!

12:40 PM: Got my instagrammed souvenir for the night.  I feel very current.

12:50 PM: Boarded the bus to get driven back to GW.  I am not sure if this night was worth $100.  GW gets our money again.  At least this only happens every 4 years.

An Open Letter To Coffee

Dear Coffee,

I know we’ve been in an on-again-off-again relationship throughout the years, and I think it’s about time I came clean.  I love you, I really do, but you’ve got to stop taking advantage of me.

I know I’ve abused you, and you’ve surely abused me, but it’s about time we stopped this.  We’re adults now, aren’t we?  Or at least one of us is, and this one can’t take your shenanigans anymore.

Believe it or not, you’ve made me tired.  You’ve made me tired of productivity bursts followed by intense yawning and tired of frequent hookups in order to avoid the helplessness I experience after you’ve gone.  I suppose it’s partly my fault for needing you so badly, emotionally and physically, but it takes two to tango bucko, and you’re not off the hook.  I’m tired of the ups and downs associated with the way I spend my time with and without you.  And I’m tired of your deceptive ways.

You’ve deceived me into thinking that I can survive without a healthy dose of my good friend, Sleep.  Sleep and I had a chat, and we decided that if I were to start seeing you again, I can’t abandon him like all of the other times we’ve gotten together.  I have other important friends in my life, and you can’t make me stop hanging out with them.

My friend Eating also wants to have a talk with you.  The two of you have never gotten along very well in the past, but he’s willing to forgive and forget.  I’ve had a healthy relationship with Eating as of late, and we both remember what you did to us last time, so tread with caution.  I’m a lot less needy this time around, and I’ve got good friends to protect me from your sneaky ways.

I think we need to start as acquaintances.  I can’t handle a full on friendship with you right away, with all that we’ve been through in the past.  You’ve left your marks and I think this time it’s a good idea if we take it slow.  Maybe we’ll have breakfast, or maybe I can see you after lunch, but only one or the other.  Let’s hold off on dinner for a while.

And another thing.  I feel the need to include the disclaimer that while I am less needy, life has been pretty tough for me lately, so I might be a little bit vulnerable.  Work has been hectic and stressful, but I trust you to not take advantage of me.  I’ve sworn to not abuse you, and you’re going to have to do the same.  I know it will be hard, but it’s very important that we don’t slip back into our old ways.

I’m giving you a chance to rewrite your past wrongs.  I’ve grown up and I’m much happier with myself than I used to be, and I think it’s time.  Have you grown up as well?  I think we owe it to ourselves to at least give it one more shot.

Now if you excuse me, I’ve got to go visit my good friend Sleep for a bit.

Best,

Brian

Windows For Sale

Hello, my name is Brian, and I am a window salesman.  I carry a few types of windows, so listen closely.

Would you like a window into my mind?  Pay me in thoughtful conversation, black coffee, and attentive ears.  You can see into the fog of my opinions, changing and forming as I meet new people with new ideas.  Sometimes this window is cloudy.

Would you like a window to my past?  Pay me in empathy or sympathy, whichever you prefer.  But I warn you, it’s full of pain and suffering and happiness and celebration.  It’s probably like many other windows you’ve peered through before.  Maybe mine has more blogging.

Would you like a window into my hopes and dreams?  You can’t buy this one right away—it requires an investment.  Invest your time, your heart, and your trust, and you can have it.  I don’t sell this window often.

Would you like a window into my life?  I also sell doors, but those are more expensive.  There’s no fixed price for these guys, but let’s go for a trial run.  Drinks?  Dinner?  Conversation?  You may not want this window, and it may not want you, but let’s wait and see.  Maybe there’s a spot in your house where it will fit perfectly.

Which window fits your fancy?  Would you like the clear ones with the lifetime warranty, or the foggy ones with a better-but-riskier return on investment?  My name is Brian, and I am a window salesman.  What can I get for you?

I Thought We Would Be Friends Forever

When we were young, I thought we would be friends forever.

We met when we were nine, and we became an instant package.  You were an artist and I was a spelling whiz, but we found solitude in cootie shots and Pen Fifteen jokes.  Our mothers drove us to each other’s houses, and we built a foundation of trust for the future.  You were my closest friend at school, and I thought we would be friends forever.

When we were ten, we teased girls we liked instead of telling them how we felt.  We read about girls who ran cities and tollbooths that took you to faraway lands.  We sang the preamble and learned our helping verbs, and I thought we would be friends forever.

When we were eleven, we moved to a new school and we met new friends.  I tried to be popular and you tried to be yourself.  We got caught up in our own lives, but we still saw each other outside of school, and I thought we would be friends forever.

When we were twelve, we didn’t have classes together and we began to lose touch.  We tried to keep what we had going, but we didn’t try hard enough.  We found time to spend together in playing cards with mythical creatures, but those are just paper and I wasn’t sure how close of friends we had become.

When we were thirteen, we lost touch.  We had been apart for too long, and we didn’t know each other anymore.  If we saw each other in passing, we’d smile and remember past glories, and sometimes we even hung out, but it was not the same.  I thought we would be friends forever, but I wasn’t sure what was in store for us.

When we went to high school, we joined a band together.  We learned instruments we didn’t know how to play, and we produced the worst music ever heard by human ears.  But we were back, and I thought we would be friends forever.

The second half of high school was different.  The band dispersed for better music options, and I didn’t see you in the halls of our massive institution anymore.  I learned you were having personal issues, and I tried to reach out to help, but I didn’t reach out far enough.  We became distant, and I didn’t know where our friendship stood.

When I was a Freshman in college, you were one of the few who remembered my birthday.  I hadn’t spoken to you nearly as much as you needed, but you still called me to wish me a happy one.  We emailed back and forth for a little bit, and I hoped we would be friends forever.

When I came home for the summer, we saw each other a few times, and I helped you run away from a house you were staying at without knowing it.  When I found out, I was upset, but I saw that you needed the companionship and I let it slide.  You were still having trouble and all I could do was see you a few times.  I never thought I was doing enough, but I never knew what else I could do.  I thought maybe I was helping, and we would be friends forever.

When I went back to school, we lost touch again.  I became engrossed in my studies and I barely had time for friends at college, never mind ones back home.  I was a mess trying to achieve two degrees in four years, and you paid part of the price.  We spoke sometimes out of formality and hope that we weren’t done yet, but we didn’t know each other anymore.  When we knew each other, you were an artist and I was a spelling whiz, but now you had nothing to draw and I had a computer with spellcheck.

Now that I’ve graduated college and am living far from our hometown, I’ve settled into my new life without you.  We’ve grown apart, but part of me will always miss the childhood we had together.

When you emailed me the other day, we gave each other life updates and went through the formalities, but it feels different this time.  You are doing better and I like to think I am too.  Maybe we can make something out of it this time.  I used to think we would be friends forever, and it’s nice to see we haven’t given up hope.

We’ve built our friendship in sprints.  Bursts of energy and crazy emotion followed by cool down periods where we stretch our muscles and our hearts.  It’s been a crazy trip so far, and it looks like we’ve begun our latest sprint.  Maybe we will end up running a marathon.

Why Living In The Real World Is Better Than Still Being In School

At the end of my senior year in college, I was terrified.  I had people warning me about this thing called “The Real World,” which was not an outdated television show, but instead this scary abstract idea of the dark beyond that exists after I earned my diploma.  This was the world of bills, rent, full-time work, and building your own furniture to look like everyone else’s.  Up until that moment, it was a distant worry, something I’d have to deal with “one day when I get old,” but as my senior year ended, the end of my life was about to begin.

I’m here to tell you that the Real World is fucking amazing.  Sorry for the spoiler alert, but graduating from college rocks.  There’s no need to sign up for a grad school program that you aren’t sure about in order to prolong your perceived downfall, because your life is about to get a whole lot better.

I think a common misconception about the Real World is that once you walk through its doors, you automatically transform into some sort of old person who goes to bed at 9:00 and eats bowls of steamed vegetables for every meal.  With maybe a plain baked potato every now and then for variety.

The truth is that you don’t really change all that much after you get that diploma.  You’re still pretty much the same bundle of problems with hopes and dreams.  Sure, you get a few more responsibilities now that you’re on your own, but you lose a lot of responsibility as well.

Gone are the books you are mandated to read on subjects with feigned interest.  Gone are the essays and tests and projects and the nights reserved for all previously stated tragedies.  Gone are the hungover mornings spent in the library, huddled over a study guide for a test scheduled later that day.  Gone is the stress and the perpetual sense of urgency that comes with weekly deadlines.  When you are in school, there is always something you should be doing instead of having fun.

The Real World is different.  The Real World offers you a chance to relax.  There are no surprise tests or assignments that you can’t handle.  If you think you experienced freedom like none other during your transition from high school to college, you are about to be pleasantly surprised.  In the Real World, freedom is given out like dumpling samples at the H-Mart.  The only deadlines you have are work-related, and can be confined to the hours of 9AM and 5PM (unless you work one of those insane jobs, then your life is pretty much over in the Real World…but then you might be rich).  Outside of those hours, you are free to plank on mountains and in refrigerators, whatever it is that kids these days are up to.

The point is that you finally have untainted time.  You may pay bills and work long hours, but at the end of the day, you have your own time.  Some people use this time to meet new people, to get drunk 7 days a week, or even to start a blog.  Just the idea of doing whatever I want in my time makes me excited.

I could travel to faraway lands, or use my time to help others.  I could finally write that novel I’ve been dying to get onto paper, or actually read for pleasure.  I could sit in my pajamas all weekend and watch something on my roommate’s Netflix.

You shouldn’t be afraid of the Real World because once you enter it, you are finally free.  The only institution that has you in its grasp ends at 5PM, and you can finally begin to follow your dreams. 

Dream big and wish for more than just steamed vegetables and baked potatoes.

Airports Are Anthologies

On any given day, at any given moment, airports are anthologies.  Each boarding pass, each security scan, and each Auntie Anne’s pretzel have tales to tell.  Long, straight corridors riddled with numbers and letters house suitcases full of stories.  Luggage with baggage.

Countries, continents, cities, and states in transition.  Each with a where and a when.  Some beginning journeys and others carrying souvenirs and empty wallets.  Some have one-time agendas and some are trapped in inescapable ruts.  Everyone is different, and everyone has something to teach.  Take a moment to look, to listen, to learn.

We are all traveling salesmen, sitting in silence, but we will sell you our stories.  Pay us in seconds, in minutes, in hours.  Give us an outlet and pay us with your memories.

Pay us in poems.

Let us exchange feats of greatness, of failures, and of perseverance.  Let us explore each other’s passports and recite each other’s verses.

Or let us sit in silence, speculating suitcases around us.  Let us listen to conversations and observe interactions.  Let our imaginations run wild with each other’s reasons for flight.

Airports are anthologies.  Open your eyes, open your ears, and open the book sitting next to you.  Wake up from your nap and wander around a bit.  You never know what you might find.

New Year's Eve Liveblog From The Suburbs

So, in celebration of the New Year, I have decided to liveblog my New Year's Eve for all of you to enjoy.  This glorious evening, I will be engaging in the New Year's festivities from the couch with my sister, mother, and father in the suburbs of Central Massachusetts.  Let the craziness begin!

5:49 PM  Watching Season 3 of The Office on my computer.  My sister is working on her college essays, my father is watching TV, and my mother is at Ming's Deli helping out my aunts and uncles with the New Year's Chinese food rush.  We were going to join her, but something was said about us being in the way, so I'm spending the early evening with my good friend Michael Scott.  Party's pumping already.

6:26 PM  Dinner is served!  As a tribute to the last year, dinner is comprised of all the leftovers we weren't able to finish before mom left for the restaurant.  Oh, nostalgia.

7:41 PM  Commence baking!  Sister and I are making Heath Bar bark.  Ours will look just like that...after a few drinks, I'm sure...

8:06 PM  Forgot to preheat the oven.  Time to crack open the first beer of the night.

8:07 PM  Mmmmm Budweiser Light Lime...tastes like water with a hint of lime...

8:17 PM  Threw out the rest of the Bud Light, opened a hard cider.  Dad's drinking some 2 buck chuck.  Stay classy, Wong family.

8:37 PM  Just turned on Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve 2013 on ABC.  Father says the announcer is a softcore porn star.  How does he know...

9:11 PM  I like this broadcast.  It's like I'm at a concert, but I'm sitting in my pajamas on the couch, safe from the ever-encompassing reach of Ryan Seacrest.

9:22 PM  750 ml bottle of whiskey, you will soon be mine.  Also, Justin Bieber, why would you ever make an acoustic version of "Boyfriend"?  Actually, why would you make that song in general?

9:27 PM  I like my whiskey neat and out of a glass with pink elephants sledding down a hill.

9:28 PM  Also, I just hit over 500 views for the month of December and consequently for the year 2012!  Love you guys!  Whoever you are...

10:15 PM  Just fried up some rice paper spring rolls and shrimp wantons.  Why is everything so good when it's fried!?!?!? 

10:19 PM  Why is Justin Bieber such a large part of this New Year's broadcast...

10:31 PM  Weight Watchers, stop telling me I need to lose weight.  I'll do it after I finish all of this fried food...

10:37 PM  Dad got up to do Gangnam Style with the TV, but I think he's afraid I will video it and put it on my blog, so he's just sort of standing in front of the TV with his arms crossed now.

10:54 PM   Mom's on her way home with Chinese food!  Weight Watchers, move on over!

11:07 PM MOM'S HOME!  Our kitchen table is now full of chicken wings, crab rangoons, fried shrimp, chicken fingers, and beef teriyaki.  I WILL NOT STOP EATING UNTIL NEXT YEAR.

11:40 PM  I AM SO FULL BUT I AM NEVER STOPPING.  Also, Taylor Swift just came on and my sister went crazy for a second.

11:44 PM  You go, Ryan Seacrest.  Sing that Taylor Swift like it's New Year's Eve.

11:47 PM  Moar whiskey?  Why certainly.  Fill up my pink elephants, please.

11:50 PM  I remember when I was a kid, I used to think the ball in Time Square actually dropped.  As in shattered on the ground.  Did anybody else think that?

11:53 PM  It's almost midnight and it looks like candidates for a midnight kiss are my mother, father, or sister.  Time to draw an attractive face on my hand?  My friend told me this is normal practice...

11:56 PM  I bet all of those people in New York are cold.  I'm very warm right here in my pajamas.

11:59 PM  Zomg it's almost time to count down.  Family's gathered.  Food's eaten.  And I'm the only one with alcohol.  Whiskey is good...

12:00 AM  HAPPY NEW YEAR!

12:01 AM  My New Year's kiss was my glass of whiskey.  Not bad, 2012.  Not bad.

12:03 AM  Why do we drop a ball to celebrate the new year?  Why not, like, a baby or something?

12:04 AM Oh my god, my cousin lost a diamond from her arrangement ring, possibly in the recently ingested crab rangoons.  This is probably not a good thing...

12:07 AM  Still haven't found the diamond...but it's time to play board games with the family!  Have a great night everyone!  Wong, out!  (Sounds better when Ryan Seacrest does it.  Curse him and his iron hold over every American's heart.)