The 6 Types Of People You Meet On Megabus

I recently took the Megabus home for the holidays.  For some reason, I always decide to take the 8PM-6AM version of this glorious transportation, and lately, I've realized a pattern in the type of people who seem to ride Megabus.  (All “she’s” and “he’s” are interchangeable with “he’s” and “she’s.”)

The One Who Brings All Of The Food

After about 4 hours of sitting and staring out the window, your mind starts to wander to your stomach, and hunger sets in.  It’s about this time where everyone else on the bus is also hankering a tasty treat, but of course no one remembered to bring anything on the bus…except for this guy.  And his food smells amazing.  I’m talking mouthwatering, succulent, the most delicious-smelling stuff you could ever imagine.  He takes it out of his bag and just devours it like an ice cream cake at a birthday party without any silverware—complete with the mess and the noise.  He’s the guy everyone hates but wants to be at the same time.

The One Who Won’t Stop Coughing

No matter what your starting or final destination happens to be, you will always encounter what I like to call “The Cougher.”  The trouble with this particular individual is you never know if they are hacking up a lung because they consumed several packs of cigarettes earlier that day, or if they are deathly sick and contagious.  You naturally assume the latter and end up spending the entire bus ride trying to avoid breathing.  It’s tough because The Cougher always sits right behind you.

The One Who Wants To Meet New People

I've managed to avoid this individual on every bus ride thus far, but there’s always that one person who wants to make friends.  You’d think this person actually only rides the bus in order to meet new people, and she is outstanding at it.  At the beginning of the ride, she roams the rows, looking for the hint of interest to engage in mindless chatter.  By the time the bus has pulled out of the station, she has already found her victim, who sits next to her, oblivious to the small amount of sleep he will be subjected to in the next few hours.  I’ve managed to escape this fate so far, but the voice of this bugger is heard throughout the bus, making it near-impossible for anyone to get rest.  This one usually finds her victim somewhat near the one who won’t stop coughing, creating a surround-sound of unpleasant bus-noise .

The One Who Makes Himself Comfortable

Without fail, there is always that one person who starts to strip on the bus.  And I don’t mean a sexy, intimate, appealing type of strip.  This guy strips and ends up in gym shorts, a T-shirt, and no shoes or socks.  And his feet smell.  He usually decides to take up two seats for himself, spreading his partially-nude body all over the cushions, hand rests, and windows.  This guy is the reason you should never put your head on the window without some sort of hood or hat protecting you from direct contact—his feet have rubbed that glass in ways you can’t even imagine.  Whenever you look at this guy, you cringe and shift in your seat, hoping it did not contain his counterpart on the bus ride earlier that day.  He is happy with himself and apparently very comfortable, but he is also the reason my mother never rides the Megabus.

The One Who Doesn't Want To Share A Seat

There is a special spot in Hell for this person, and I am not proud to say that I often take on this role whenever I happen to frequent Megabus.  Although the mix-and-match of  Megabus seating is supposed to be a random affair, this person makes a valiant effort to end up as one of the lucky people without a seat-mate.  This person will employ tactics such as becoming The Person Who Makes Himself Comfortable, placing a jacket/bag in their adjacent seat while pretending to be asleep, or just feigning illness.  I've only done one of these, but I have a 100% success rate.  I always feel guilty about this at first, and then I realize I don’t have to spend the next 10 hours with a person next to me, and it’s always worth it.

The One Who Understands “We’re All In This Together”

This is the only person who may stop me from becoming The One Who Doesn’t Want To Share A Seat, but it’s hard to spot this one by first glance.  You could easily end up with one of the aforementioned travesties, but the rewards of sitting next to this person might be greater that sitting alone.  This person will talk, but not enough to keep you from your book, your music, or your sleep.  This person will sleep, but her head will fall nicely between the confines of her own seat space.  This person will be nice and pleasant, but not too intrusive, because this person knows.  This person knows that everyone is in the same boat, or bus, or whatever, and that’s how it’s going to be for the next few hours.  Her comfort is your comfort, and your comfort is hers.  We should all just get along and act like normal people without falling into the extremes of human survival instinct.  If all bus riders were like this, maybe Megabus wouldn't be so bad.