We all know that airports will charge you your first-born child and their older sibling if you want to acquire any foodstuffs during your travels, but sometimes it will be necessary and your children will have to be sacrificed. For the sake of your family tree, when this moment arrives, it is best to peruse the menus in search of the cheapest meal that will leave you full and with the most of your offspring intact. Was that condiment-less hot dog cheaper at the stand near gate 8 or the one near gate 37? When you are dealing with a layover, there is no such thing as opportunity cost.
2. Try to pick someone up.
What better place is there to pick someone up than at an airport? After all, everyone always wears their sexiest, most suggestive sweatpants to these things. It’s almost as if an airport is a breeding ground for successful first dates. The best way to go about this is to find a gate for a destination you would never want to go to and try to talk the person you are trying to pick up out of going to that destination. No one’s really at the airport to travel anyway. On another note, it’s always fun to run around and lift people in the air and then run away giggling.
3. Go to the bathroom.
This one is crucial. Let’s face it, the last thing anyone wants to do is poop 30,000 miles in the air. You never know who is listening in on you when you are shut up in that plane stall. Plus, pooping with turbulence is never a good idea to begin with. It’s best to take care of these bowel movements when you know which direction they will be dropping once they exit your body.
4. Make phone calls.
Unless you are Alec Baldwin and want to be escorted off of your flight, you should get all of your calls and Words With Friends addictions taken care of while on the ground. Plus, I, as an airport civilian, love to hear you telling your friends about the wild night you had yesterday, involving a staple gun, a historical re-enactment, and a pizza delivery guy. Airport phone calls are the fuel source for many an interesting blog post.
5. Steal something.
Every single person traveling through an airport probably has some sort of laptop, smartphone, or tablet. Think of all the money you could make by snagging these devices when they inevitably go to the bathroom before their flight. Oh, you want me to watch your bags while you relieve yourself? I’d love to. This is a perfectly sound business model. Just bring an empty suitcase with you to the airport and you are set. Let’s kickstarter this shit.
6. Buy a digital camera.
For some reason, these Best Buy Express vending machines have been popping up at airports around the world. I’m slightly skeptical that an airport will give me the best deal on a camera, but I guess there are enough photo-worthy moments in airports to justify this purchase. How else will you forever capture your memories of that baby spitting up all over the man in the suit, the elderly woman clipping her toenails, of the hoodlum boy stealing the Justin Bieber magazine at the bookstore?
7. Indulge yourself with airport sushi.
Don’t. Just. Don’t.
8. Get hammered.
You do this every time you end up in a confined space with a lot of strangers with music blaring in the background, so why limit yourself? It can be just as much fun going this in preparation for sitting in a confined space with a lot of strangers in pure silence. I think this is actually what airplanes are intended for, as every seat comes equipped with it’s own little barf bag. Don’t hold back!
9. Sit and stare.
I once had a nine-hour layover at an airport (don’t ask why) where I literally just sat in a chair and stared at nothing. I didn’t even fall asleep. I just sat and stared. Every few hours I switched seats, but the main concept remained the same. It is a surprisingly effective time suck if all else fails.
10. Write a blog post.
Bet ya didn’t see that one coming.
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