25 Things I Learned In Puerto Rico

1. Nipple chafing as a result of boogey boarding is real.
2. There are no churros here. Or moose. This is Puerto Rico, not Mexico or Canada.
3. If you walk on the beach at night, you will get mugged. And you will die.
4. If you want to see old white people dance, go to The Ritz.
5. The only towel necessary for vacationing is a hand towel. For both the beach and the showers.
6. Mofongo, though incredibly delicious, is very difficult to replicate. Do not add a banana.
7. While watching fire dancers perform on the beach, look out for the man dressed as a clown, for he will try to get your money.
   
8. Just because a jazz music festival is over does not mean it is time to leave. Often, this is the best time to arrive, since you can stick your beers in the leftover ice dumped on the ground from the festival vendors.
9. Octopus pizza is not one of those pizzas that tastes better cold the next morning.
10. There are no other Chinese people in Puerto Rico.
11. While watching someone teach another how to boogey board, it looks like there is much crossover between boogey boarding and having sex. Except the nipple chafing part. Usually.
    
12. If there is no hot water and you are forced to take a cold shower, do not blast the air conditioner.
13. While leaning backwards in a kayak to avoid hitting your head on a low-hanging branch you deem dangerous, make sure you lean far enough back to avoid the branch below it as well.
14. When directing lost hikers back to their car, do not follow them once you have directed them to the road. You will walk 30 minutes in one direction, rather than 10 feet in the correct one.
15. Bioluminescent dinoflagellates will make you feel like Nicolas Cage.
16. If you urinate in a public restroom “urinal table,” make sure you stand outside of the splash zone when rinsing off the table of all residue.
17. All animals hate me and want to kill me, but jumping a fence seems to keep me safe from the deadly fangs of small dogs.
18. The restaurant’s name is “Lupi’s,” not “Lupis.”
    
19. If the sign says the historic landmark has 98 steps, it has 98 steps. Don’t bother spending the time counting them out for yourself or trying to convince other tourists that they counted wrong.
20. Catering to the American tradition, each hiking trail in the rainforest features a burger stand somewhere along the trail.
21. Eight years old is the correct age to board a party bus.
22. Any restaurant claiming to have the “best Chinese food in the area” probably shouldn’t be trusted.
23. If you give of the vibe of not having any money, you can ride the bus for free.
24. The smoke shop does NOT carry illegal substances and does NOT know where to get them.
25. The gift shop sells hard liquor in Capri Sun pouches.